Tuesday, 2 September 2008


We've been away a while.
We know it's distressed some of you, and for that we are sorry.
Especially to you Calum, because we forgot your birthday as well, and that was naughty, but we hope you liked the maltesers.

So, in our absence, England got good at cricket.
They've almost been faultless.
South Africa are a good side. But somehow we've thrown them in the pooper and made them look as if they have all the skill and determination of a pack of wine gums attempting a bungee jump.
It feels sort of.. nice. We're experiencing a feeling of.. What is it called. prejudice?no. PRIDE.
and its confusing, and we don't know who to talk to about it, and when things will be normal again, and Harmison will go back to being the long lean streak of crap that we long suspected he was, and Matt Prior will be butter fingers all over again, and we won't have a wicket taking spinner, and someone, anyone, will be out for 0 off 45, and somehow, somewhen, we will lose, and all will be right with the world.

Because if we carry on like this, we could end up beating Australia, god help us.
And, also.. we might even like Kevin Pietersen.
And saying that makes us feel like we have just cheated on Michael Vaughan with his younger, better looking brother. We just feel so dirty. But blimey, it feels so good.
AND.. Corrigan and Eloise want to add a rather shallow note.. because not only have england suddenly become quite a good little cricket outfit.. they've also become very very attractive..
and we're not saying we are going to join one of those 'OMGZZZ STUART BROAD IS SO CUTE INNIT I SAW HIS BUM ONCE AND I RANG ALL MY FRIENDS AND DIED LOLOLOL XXXX' facebook groups, although they do make some excellent points and valuable contributions to literature and sport, i've heard Michael Atherton uses it as a source for his articles, and they are without exception, hilarious.

They do get some things spot on. Even if mostly, they are bags of fizzing hormones erupting with bad grammar and unhealthy competition with each other over their varying levels of delusion.

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

some definite facts

We've decided to have some of whatever those chaps allegedly in charge of England are having.
It's nice actually.

So. Some things we now know:
  • Darren Pattinson is actually the new Curtly Ambrose. It's obvious. They even look alike.
  • Andrew Flintoff is capable of winning every single match he is involved in, just by merely turning up and spitting glitter at his opponents and baffling them with his sharp wit and intellect.
  • Michael Vaughan is actually made entirely of cardboard, and has a saturday job in Curry's. He supports Real Madrid for rugby.
  • If you are Australian, you can play for any country in the world. Except Australia. Likewise if you are South African.
  • Stuart Broad is too ugly to play for England.
  • Chris Tremlett really enjoys travelling around the world to carry drinks for his friends and colleagues. He especially likes Freddie going out to bat wearing his shirt.
  • ABCDEvilliers is an honourable fielder.
  • Matthew Hoggard is a roof tiler from Victoria.

A Cricket is actually just an insect. So we needn't get too worked up about it.
The England management don't seem to bother about it too much. That's the spirit.

Monday, 14 July 2008

A Beginning!

This is my first ever blog.
So far, it is going very well.
I like cricket.
That seems like a good place to start.

After spending the first 3 days in suspended animation unable to quite believe how much success England were having, and continually slapping myself and anyone nearby in order to determine whether or not I was even conscious, finally, England are producing the goods.
And by that, I mean that they are not losing, but they are not winning.
Thats more like it.

If there's one thing England are good at, its not winning, and if there's another, it's excuses.
Today, we will be told that the positives are the discipline of the bowlers, the difficulty of the conditions, the commitment of the crowd, the splendour of the batting performance.
They truly deserve to win this match, and its sadly not going to happen.
But we're a lot closer to winning than losing, and thats a very english positive to take from the situation.
There are questions being asked of the tourist team. Including:

Why are they fat?
Is Hashim Amla's head on the right way?
Would Graham Smith kill a baby?
Isn't Neil Mckenzie's OCD fun?

That's all for now, I'm feeling quite exhausted with the occasion.
And we got a wicket, so we're almost certainly heading for a win..Lovely.